Accepting "gifts" from wealthy family members without looking like a charity case

[amethyst]

Background - I have a well off older brother (I would say rich in South African terms) who retired from his posh job last year. I am just the ordinary middle class guy. Now since his retirement I'm seeing more of him. A few weeks back we were just chatting and I mentioned that I have been looking for a quality second hand road bike (bicycle). So, a week after that he comes here and offers a rather big amount of cash and says, "use it for anything you want to buy, it's a gift". I refused it and said I would never accept money from him and even if I would it would be a loan and will pay it back. Obviously he said, he didn't want anything in return, it's a gift (but I refused). So since then he seems to have changed tactics and tend to bring stuff with "I don't use this anymore, do you want it"? Just today he brought 2 posh smart phones and an expensive pair of nike running shoes (second hand but hardly used) again with "I don't use this, do you want it"?..and when he left later on "since I don't work anymore I have pairs of formal shoes which I'm never going to wear again, do you want it"? I think that part of the "problem" is that I'm a bit of a minimalist and tend to hold onto old things for too long (I generally don't replace stuff unless it's broken) so maybe in his eyes I should have "more modern things". So what do you think....should I just accept the status quo and accept that he will always be the rich older brother who wants to "provide" or should I make a stand and start to refuse his offerings? I must say the things that he does "donate" are rather cool and useful.

[Chelsea80]

@ amethyst

Wow, quite a dilemma.

I think you have to have a heart to heart talk with him.

You really, really appreciate his thoughts and deeds.

However, in a calm and polite way, explain that you are happy with your life style as it is.

But, and he agrees, if the occasion should arise that you need his help you can count on that happening.

For a surprise to happen, say birthday or such, then that would be welcomed. Perhaps once every now and then he could take you out for a modest meal. This could benefit you both in that he will get pleasure from giving and you from having a social time with your brother.

It would seem you have a good relationship with your brother. You don’t want to put this at risk by seemingly to just accept, accept, accept and it makes you unhappy even if they "are rather cool and useful".

He must be made aware of how much you hold him dear but at the same time to be aware that you are uncomfortable with his constant giving.

I’m sure he has your best interest in mind. He might think “I have it, you haven’t, I can afford it, so here it is”.

We are all individuals with differing wants and needs. If others, be family or friends, are aware of that then life continues to go round with all.

Just a few thoughts.

Best regards

Chelsea80

[geo_c]

There's no easy answer for what you're describing. I would think it has a lot to do with your relationship and any emotional baggage that may be attached.

This may be a way for your brother to show his love for you. Not accepting could bring him a sense of rejection. There is also the idea that acquiring wealth is somewhat a hollow accomplishment if not shared with others. In other words, accepting a gift blesses the giver as much as the receiver.

If there is a way to accept his offerings and communicate clearly that you feel no way entitled or needy, and are happy with and without certain material luxuries, and are particularly glad that he has more time to interact and be part of your life since retiring, and your relationship is the most important thing to you, then perhaps you can accept gifts in a way that deepens the whole process.

The idea that your relationship is the most important thing is also the basis on which you could forgo receiving gifts from him, in that it's possible to communicate that you would feel more open not receiving gifts, and that in whatever way the gifting aspect might get in the way of the relationship, it's your desire to have a good relationship that guides your desire to not receive gifts from him. That way you could 'own' the decision and not convey a sense of rejection.

Just some thoughts. I also have a wealthy relative who has helped our family in certain circumstances, so I have some experience with setting a healthy boundary. Doing so benefits both parties.

[amethyst]

Well, he knows I'm not extravagant (neither is he but obviously won't think twice before buying something he needs and seemingly some stuff that he does not need). I have told him that I'm not a pauper and can afford all these things. He just laughed this off of course and said he does not use the stuff anymore. So at present I'm just accepting the things but have drawn a line when it comes to money....

[rcrsn51]

So at present I'm just accepting the things but have drawn a line when it comes to money....

Tell him that you plan to give the gifts to charity and he should do the same.

[dogcat]

amethyst, do you not give of yourself freely in this forum by your contributions?

[williwaw]

So since then he seems to have changed tactics

You haven't mentioned his goals, just his tactics. Can you redirect his largess to a mutual goal or activity?

[JackMark]

I think communication is the key. You should explain to your brother that you're not feeling comfortable with such gifts. It's your decision, and he should respect it. Tbh, I never liked it when people give money as a gift. It either seems like a charity case or neglect. You may also give him occasional presents from time to time. Maybe this way, he'll understand how you feel. Choose something suitable to your financial means. If you don't know what to choose, get him a basket from https://www.jetgiftbaskets.com/. I'm sure you'll find something suitable for your brother.

[rockedge]

I have 3 younger brothers, and all three have done far far more as far as financial wealth goes than I ever have or will.

Since I am son #1 and my grandparents (on both sides) very first grandchild (ten altogether) I was the one with the silver spoon and some advantages back in the day, like I wore new clothes.....no hand me downs.

Being the oldest has responsibilities and made sacrifices that the younger siblings don't have a clue about. Like taking the blame for everything, or the famous "you're the oldest and know better so let them have it" line.

@amethyst You'll have to understand the older brother job NEVER ends if your lucky enough to have one. Time to look back at reality and see what your relationship was and what role that plays now.

Typical younger brother complaints as I see it. I barely send my brother's a Christmas card. But they do remember how I looked out for them when it was needed.

P.S. yes my name was engraved on the silver spoon, fork and knife and I still have them.

[peterw]

It is a difficult situation. As I see it your older Brother having retired is entering a new phase of his life and searching for his role in it. Retiring is a big difference to someone who has always been important and needed for their decision making skills, etc. In some respects he is lonely. He now has time on his hands and one of his desires is probably to try and do all the things he should have done before. He sees you more often and you happily accept that which is good for him and you are helping him adjust to his new situation. Accepting presents will be helping him but goes against your values in life. Perhaps you can divert some of his attentions to a role with some charities where his generosity and time will be welcomed. Perhaps, you can make a deal with him that for you to accept a present then he has to accept your help with perhaps learning about Linux and Puppy or some other area where he needs help (and he does). Sometimes you have to "put yourself in their shoes" to see why they do what they do.

[greengeek]

Firstly I admire your desire to maintain old things for as long as possible (frugality is good!)
Secondly I think you should find a positive way to interact with your brother's generosity. (Maybe he wants to connect more due to your phase of life...? Maybe he feels guilt for previous sins...? Maybe he feels guilt for his mechanisms of success...?)
But - if I understand correctly - he has offered you money to buy an item that you really wanted. Interesting. Perhaps this indicates that he really cares about you and genuinely wants to make a positive difference for you.
Maybe just accept his charity (as long as it is is not from dishonest or criminal gains...) and express to him that his generosity is a bonus even though rather hard to accept.

should I just accept the status quo and accept that he will always be the rich older brother who wants to "provide"

May not be that he wants to "provide". May just be that he is older and more aware of how short life is. Maybe he just wants to foster friendship. Maybe just chill a little and learn to accept kinship / friendship / co-operation as opposed to the competition that we often absorb as our mode d'etre.

[greengeek]

Being the oldest has responsibilities and made sacrifices that the younger siblings don't have a clue about. Like taking the blame for everything, or the famous "you're the oldest and know better so let them have it" line.

I didn't understand this until I watched my elder brother make decisions impacting my parents final years and the distribution of their estate. He did a strirling job even though the four siblings expressed four different opinions. Sometimes the eldest cops flack they don't deserve.

[Dragonfilt]

I can see why you might feel uncomfortable with constantly receiving gifts, especially if it feels like it's coming from a place of him wanting to "provide" for you. It's important to maintain your independence and not feel like you owe anyone anything, even family. Maybe it's worth having a heart-to-heart with your brother about how you're feeling. Let him know that while you appreciate his generosity, you're feeling a bit overwhelmed and would prefer to keep things simple. And hey, if you do decide to accept some of his offerings, maybe consider finding a way to pay it forward, whether it's through acts of kindness or finding someone else who could really use those gifts. Have you ever thought about personalized mothers day gifts? It's never too early to start brainstorming for that special day! But I digress.

[boof]

pride works both ways. being proud can [and oft does] prevent giving and receiving help, especially when needed. i'm aware your afraid of becoming dependent, and you think you have enough. so then i propose that you negotiate to let him help others, whom may be in greater need. help him do good, in his own name, if any. God, govt, family [spouse, children, parents], others is my suggested order, each according to their needs, within your capacity.