What a rant!
In case you do not know:
Puppy does support secure boot.
The last official Puppy, Fossapup64, is 64bit only.
And Puppy is probably the fastest OS on a new machine.
Puppy is going forward.
Modern 'security' (EFI and secureboot) itself has introduced a lot of vulnerabilities.
It is not because MS calls it secure, that it is secure. It is just a signature.
What is wrong with 32bit anyway? What is wrong with an old puter?
By the way, you got Precise and BBpup booting from the same pendrive by now?